There she goes
by umami
Summary: Maho's thoughts about Yukino one afternoon. Shoujoai. I like the pairing of MahoxYukino even though you really have to squint with yurigoogles to see it in the anime  btw, I don't own any of the characters in Kare Kano, Gainax does.


**There she goes**

I watch her, as I always do, from my usual seat at the back of the classroom by the window.

She is a radiant flower, and the other students are the bees that court her. They gravitate towards her, unable to resist her personality, her warmth. I despise them for such weakness, yet I understand full well. I pretend I don't care, when she smiles back at them, when she laughs with them, when in truth it cuts me to the quick. If I'm honest with myself, I want her to smile only at me in that way. Nevertheless I feel satisfied when a shadow falls across my desk. I'm acutely aware of her, but I pretend to be engrossed in the view beyond the window, my chin upon my palm. She teases one of my dark locks between her fingers.

'Ma-ho', she says, in that playful voice of hers. 'Let's have lunch outside together.'

Miyazawa Yukino.

Even back in those days, when I was giving her such a hard time, subconsciously I knew I was attracted to her. Perhaps that's why I did give her such a hard time. Admitting to myself that I care about someone else terrifies the hell out of me.

Even though I've been in several (dysfunctional) relationships, I've never allowed myself to be in a position of vulnerability. Although I've been involved, I've never really been emotionally involved with anyone.

After we resolved our rivalry, she never held a grudge against me. She always made an effort to include me, despite the initial doubts and downright incredulous looks of her many other friends. That meant a great deal to me. I even gave up smoking because of her, although sometimes the craving for nicotine still hits me hard.

Miyazawa Yukino is a bigger person than I am.

I think I was one of the few people to realize it back then, that it was all a sham. Because I was always watching her, I saw right through her façade. At the time, I just wanted to bring her, my rival, down. Who was I kidding? I tried to compete against her and failed miserably. But later, it made me glad to know she worked damn hard for her success, had sacrificed so much. It wasn't an accident by any means. Once I stopped trying to compete with her, I was a lot happier too. I much prefer the real Yukino over the ideal Yukino she had spent most of her life trying to maintain.

Inexplicably, the real, breathing, flawed (and occasionally daggy) Yukino is completely irresistible to me. I find her emotional outbursts, moments of angst and formidable temper endearing. The girl wears her heart on her sleeve these days.

Miyazawa Yukino is beautiful.

That's irrefutable. She always has been. But these days, she's radiant. There's an aura of fierce joy about her, lighting up her angelic features and ethereal eyes. Eyes which constantly change colour depending on whether she's happy or sad. From dark auburn to whiskey and everything in between. Sometimes when she looks at me, I feel like I'm drowning. If you look hard, you can see a flash of crimson within their fathomless depths.

It's no wonder most of the guys and a considerable number of the girls have crushes on her. One week she received so many confession letters there was no room in her locker and she had to put her bag in mine. I refuse to be such a statistic. It's just too sad. You'll never catch me writing a love letter to anyone.

But if I did, hypothetically, it would be to her.

The girl is such a total flirt, especially since she broke up with Arima a few months ago. She insists she's not seeing anyone currently. But there are always rumours about her being her in a threesome with Arima and Asaba. Which somehow only adds to her appeal. Those three have always been close. But Asaba only has eyes for Arima. There's an interesting dynamic between those three.

We're sitting outside on the roof. To be more accurate, we're both lounging and looking up at the sky. It's kind of overcast today, which is good because looking directly at the sun makes you blind apparently. The concrete hardness is digging into my bones, but I don't really notice because Yukino's head is resting on my stomach, and my fingers are trailing through her silky hair. Her hair has grown out now, a river of copper silk halfway down her back. It disconcerted me when she started doing this, all the touching. ESPECIALLY the glomping. I think my eyes nearly fell out of my head the first time it happened. To be fair though, I don't mind it now. The total opposite actually. I think she started doing it to freak me out because she knows that I can be pretty aloof and I really value my personal space. But…she kept right on doing it even after we started hanging out all the time…breaking down the walls around my heart. I try my best to be cool about it, but the truth of it is that whenever I'm close to her my heart rate goes up and I find myself breathing much more quickly than usual. So I know I'm physically attracted to her.

I'm not sure where the others are today. Sakura has been hanging out a lot with that guy from the basketball team, I forget his name. But I think there's definitely something going on there. Which is kind of a pity. Sakura may be a tomboy, but she is pretty hot in her own way.

'Hey Maho…'

'Yeah?'

'Is there anyone in our school you like?'

I can't help but blush. 'Baka. Why do you say that?' I mutter.

'No reason…'

'Is there - anyone you like?' I question tentatively.

'I wonder…'

The class bell rings. How cliché. But it does and we both groan and get up. My abdomen feels bereft where Yukino's weight was a moment ago.

She confuses me a lot.

Three thoughts distract me all afternoon.

_Yukino likes someone. _

_I like Yukino._

_Yukino is my best friend._

The last statement pretty well negates the meaning of the one above it. I know that I'm being a coward, but right now, her friendship is probably the most important thing in my life. All the crap I have to deal with at home, with my estranged family, ex-boyfriends/stalkers, everything fades away when I'm with her. If I lose this, I'm lost. I'll take her in any capacity I can. I won't jeopardize this for the sake of being honest, or being honourable, because I know that honesty more often than not, causes pain. And I'm not an honourable person. Not like her.

But…I can't get her out of my head.

So I don't know what to do. By default, I guess that means doing nothing.


End file.
